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I woke up with my head spinning. Everything around me was moving but me. I can still taste the alcohol I have consumed late last night. And when I found the strength to look myself up in the mirror, I noticed my eyes are still swollen from crying.

I had no plans of drinking nor did I have any intention of getting wasted. I was just supposed to help out a friend get through turbulent times and share the optimism I’ve been feeling lately. Still, I ended up soooo wasted.  Even more wasted than her.

Things got different after sipping that last drop of vodka and the betrayal of that damn cognac. Instead of me helping her out, I became the helpless one.

For a couple of days now, I have been trying to look at the bright side of things but last night, I just could no longer see it. All I see was black. Just pitch black. It seemed as if circumstances found its way to tell me to just let it all out — all those emotions I have been suppressing recently while trying to put up an ‘I am strong and I can handle this’ facade. Thus, without realizing how much alcohol I have had, all of the frustrations, the pain and the feeling of emptiness welled up inside me for quite some time now all came out one by one.

That was the first time I started asking every question I have been meaning to ask someone. Every thing that I don’t understand, she helped me analyze them and figure them out no matter how puzzling it can be for both of us. I told her about the bad dreams that keep haunting me whenever I am back to situations like this. It was a good conversation until it had to stop because I was already nauseous and I couldn’t stop myself from crying that she no longer knew what else to do. I remember her asking me things and all I said was just “Pagod na ko. Ayoko na.”

Now that I am already sober and my head is clear, I told myself, this will be the last time it will ever happen.

Finally. I have let go of every feeling that there is left…

1. Karlo says:

   Chase your dream. Nobody said it was going to be easy, but I still believe in you. You can do it.

   May 6, 2006 @ 1:02 am

2. LEN says:

   Thanks Karlo. Friend nga kita. =)
   I hope you’re doing better now.

   May 13, 2006 @ 1:37 pm

For you, For Him and For Someone Like Myself

One Sunday evening, while I was about to have my dinner, I saw you crying on one corner while staring at the monitor. I walked towards you and you started to cry even harder. After learning the reason on what caused you to be in this state, I knew I just had to console you. You and he are just two of the most important people in my life right now and it just pains me to see you both in the very same situation I used to be in a few months back.

I knew from the start that we may have the same story but we were on different sides. At that time, I would have hated someone like you…I would have said bad things about you. I would have hated him more. But with all of these things taking place, I guess I understand it all now. Somehow, I do.

FOR YOU:

You already know what’s bound to happen from the very beginning. You also know that you’re at the losing end all this time. How many times have I told you to stop? But did you ever listen until I finally got tired and just let everything happen. After all, it IS still your life, your decision.

Once, you asked me why there are people who hurt those whom they love the most and I did not answer. And then I thought, maybe because we tend to take for granted the very same people whom we love so much, thinking that they’ll always be around to stick with us and believe in us without realizing that once they’re gone that’s the only time we’ll find out how important they really are and how stupid we have become with all of our actions, enough to hurt them and just let them go. Look at him now. He feels so lost without her…without you.

You also asked me if anyone has mastered the art of letting go and I told you “I don’t think so. Pain is part of life.” Look at you. How many times have you gotten hurt? How many times have I seen you cry? And how many times have I also seen you stood up and be the tough person you have become? It is a learning experience and even if it’s a painful one, you know that you still are grateful that it happened.

When all wounds have healed, all apologies have been accepted, and all mistakes have been forgiven and learned from, in time, you’ll be fine again. You’ll have that kind of happiness that you deserve. Trust me.

FOR HIM:

I wanted to hate you because of the things you did especially after you saw how I cried for the very same reason. Remember all those questions I used to ask you and all you could give me was an “I don’t know”? You very well know what you wanted but you were just too scared of losing any of them.  Remember when I told you that you are no different to someone I used to know and how you reacted furiously about it? That was because you knew I had a point but you were just too damn stubborn to admit it.

Despite these, I feel sorry for you. Yet I, too, am grateful because now I know how you (and others like you) feel and how much you may be hurting. And I just wish that someday you’ll find that happiness again that you once found. I also wish that you may soon find yourself and discover what you really want in your life , and once that time comes, NEVER SCREW UP AGAIN.

Just like her, you have to learn from all of these then you can be back on your feet and be happy once more.

FOR SOMEONE LIKE MYSELF:

It is always hard to accept that after all those years you’ve thought you have found your partner in life, you’ll just have to let them go in the end because the pain is just too much to bear any longer. I know it is not easy. You’ll always have questions as to why it ever happened, ask what you have done wrong for all to come to this, and what you have done to deserve such pain. But later you’ll realize that there are just some things best left unanswered and then move on. Easier said than done, I know. But trust me, you’ll be happy again in time without even realizing it. =)